The Vagina Exorcism

The Client came in.

Her main complaint?

Yeast infections.

The damn things would not go away.

She got them every month without fail.  She was extremely upset.  As one would imagine.

She had tried all manner of remedies, it wasn’t as if she was just hanging out being all like “hey cool, yeast infection!”

No, she was battling, it was war.  Nothing was working.

So I had an idea.

Most people view demonic possession as being taken over by, say, Abbadon, or something, but there is in fact ANOTHER kind of possession.

In the bible it is referred to as an invasion of an “unclean spirit”, who are responsible for causing disease.



Now, just because you happen to have the misfortune of acquiring an unclean spirit does NOT mean you are filthy.  It can happen to the best of us.  Even the most beautiful of Vaginas can incur some sort of unsavory event.

So I thought, Candida is a parasite, an INVADING entity. Why not treat it like a kind of possession attempting to take over the client’s body?

We consulted I Ching, the response we got was good old GU. Hexagram 18.

If you see what Lise says about it:

   Everybody has alien influences embedded in his soul. Many are hidden; one does not even know they exist. It seems as if they are part of the personality. Especially those one collected in childhood.
   In order to live one’s own life and one’s own fate, one has to get rid of them. The more one succeeds, the more happiness, strength and health will come back.

So I decided to give her an Exorcism to remove the Alien invader.

Now, in many older texts describing such entities, Jesus just shows up and kind of pops them off like bottle caps.  But That’s Jesus.  How about regular folk?  When Jesus is, you know, waiting for the apocalypse and isn’t exorcizing anyone anymore.

Is it just “tough luck” for the ol gal?

Well, I did some research and discovered, some techniques using something sweet to “lure” the unclean spirit out.  So we got an apple to be our GU vacuum cleaner, to extract the candida.

I was getting set up with the client, and I was wondering if maybe we should set up some ANGEL sigils, from the key of solomon, to help give me some mojo, since I am not of course, Jesus, when at that VERY moment, I received a text from my famous Clairvoyant friend which read:

Message from archangel Michael!!! Play with Fire and you get burned!!!!

So I decided against the use of angel sigils (actually I still haven’t used them, ever)

Instead we progressed with our apple, using a sympathetic magic technique of transference, we placed the Gu in the apple, then buried it.

When the ritual was complete she went on her way.

I got a message from her later, NO CANDIDA that month! Nor the next month either!!!

But drat, oh drat, on the third moon cycle it had returned.

BUT! she had gotten two free months, where as before it was incessant.  Perhaps we had it on the run?

What she noticed was that her ingestion of certain food would bring it back.  It was a hunger demon, that just wanted to eat what it wanted.  SUGAR.

So it seems that exorcisms (or mine anyway) are not for evs, but require maintenance with discipline as well.

It made sense.

You can make your bed everyday, and then if you stop making it, well, it gets messy again.

Demon wise it made sense too

An ALCOHOL DEMON must not be fed!!!!  Or it returns full force upon the victim, even if it has been totally eradicated through starvation.

So, the key we discovered was an echo of the teachings of I Ching and the ancient taoists:

Don’t FEED the GU.

If you get messed up, and something gnarly gets in you, in order to not get taken over by it, (this is really even about emotions if you want to get all uber psychologikal) you MUSN’T send it sustenance, if you can help it.  (and don’t judge yourself if you get taken over by a powerful GU, like say ebola, we can only try against these things really.  But why not try?)

Jesus might have exorcized the entire planet earth for all we know, Like a mother running after her messy children trying to keep her house up.

but that did not get rid of the demons, because people kept feeding them.  Probably not on purpose, mostly.  Obviously some people do it on purpose.

So I thought maybe it isn’t like you can “get rid” of some of these things, like anger, or fear, or candida, or Abbadon, we can only try to consciously keep them at bay to the best of our abilities, by watching our own actions.

NONE of this is to say you shouldn’t go to the doctor either.  Quite the contrary.  Use EVERYTHING.  In the battle against the GU, treat it like energy, like an invader, like a bad boyfriend, like a naughty child, get a diagnosis from a professional.  Be creative.

The Catholic church is pretty uptight with what they recognize as a “real” demonic invasion needing an exorcism.

But what if some demons look like this:





I just don’t think that is so weird.